Reflections With Shihan

So the question is: “What should you do if someone punches you?”

Almost reflexively many people will answer, “Hit them back.”

It seems so reasonable and it certainly happens often enough. But to really answer the question you have to know what your goal is. “What are you trying to accomplish?” In the context of civilian self defense I believe the answer is as simple as — or should be as simple as — “get away safely.” 

In that context is “hitting them back” really the best answer? Or at the very least should it be our first response? Please don’t misunderstand me, there are definitely situations where hitting them back is the appropriate response but I am loathe to put it forth as the primary or only response to a single punch. 

When I posed this question to my class my favorite answer — though certainly not the first — was to ask the person why they had hit you. It may or may not be a safe response in a specific situation but it certainly is compelling — and it would definitely get someone off guard. Perhaps combined with one of the other responses — to back away cautiously — it might make a reasonable plan in some situations. 

At any rate, the reason I bring up the question at all it to get to a less violent and more common situation — “What should you do if someone insults you?” Should you insult them back? It certainly happens often enough. But has it ever helped? My favorite response when I posed this to my class was to offer them a hug. I’m not sure that is a safe response, but the person would probably benefit from it.

Again, to formulate a response to an insult we have to ask, “What is our goal?” And again, I would suggest it is to get away ‘safely’. ‘Safely’ might mean something different in this context. I was raised back when sticks and stones could break your bones but words could never hurt you. And I believe that there is still wisdom in that. So upon receiving an insult I encourage you to consider some of the following responses: smile, say the nicest true thing that you can about them, ask them why they insulted you, or just begin to dance.

I can’t guarantee that any of these responses will make the situation better, but it’s better than responding with an insult. And it will certainly be more entertaining.

Chris Santillo, Sensei

Here are three simple ideas that, when taken together, can change your life. They are so deceptively simple that I almost feel silly writing them down. But every day I encounter people who aren’t applying them to their lives — and almost as often I realize that I seem to have forgotten them myself.

Truth One
The most important thing is how we feel.
Again, this is simple stuff, but it seems that as we go through our day we get distracted by complicated stuff and miss the simple stuff.
Think about it like this. Many people want a nicer car or house. But if you dig just a tiny bit deeper you realize they want a nicer car or house because of how it will make them feel. Most people would like a promotion, raise, or better career. But it is really how that will make them feel that they covet. Pretty much everyone wants better relationships with their friends and family. Again, if you look deeper it is the feeling that they are really looking for.
On a good day — one where you feel really good — everything is good. On a day like that food tastes better, our car drives better, our job is more pleasant, etc. The opposite is also true. On a day where we feel bad, everything is bad.
So, at the risk of being crazy redundant and obvious — the most important thing is how we feel.

Truth Two
How you feel is strongly affected by what you are thinking about.
When we think about things that make us happy we are happier; when we think about things that make us sad we are sadder. If you take a moment to close your eyes and imagine a great day in your life — maybe a vacation, or a wedding, the birth of a child — and really think about it for a while. You will feel better. I guarantee it. Likewise if you take a moment to think about something that makes you sad, you will be sadder.
What this means, of course, is that if you want to change how you feel you just have to change what you are a thinking about. Crazy obvious, isn’t it? But I bet the last time you were in a bad mood you just stayed in that bad mood until the outside world changed for you. Now, read Truth Three and realize that you are in control.

Truth Three
We can direct our thoughts but seldom do.
When you are driving down the road you see a yellow house; that makes you think about your friend when you were a kid who had a yellow house. You remember he was going to study agriculture in college. Agriculture is about farming. Cows live on farms. Cows give milk. You think you might be out of milk, you should get some from the store.
You are now headed to a grocery store because you saw a yellow house. It’s insane! It’s also how our brains work most of the time. We very seldom consciously choose how to direct our mind. However, we can if we choose to.
Think about a purple elephant on a tightrope. See, you just directed your mind to think about something consciously. Something silly, I admit. But it proves the point. You can direct your thoughts when you choose to.

So, the goal is to feel good.
Your thoughts affect how you feel.
You can choose what you think about.

Stew it a while. It can change your life.
You can start right now.

Chris Santillo
Potomac Kempo

When you go on a Journey you’re only supposed to come home once, right?

But what if home is in many places?

You see, a couple of years ago I was invited by this strange woman to learn another Martial Art — American Kenpo Karate. It is very similar to — but slightly different — from my native Shaolin Kempo. I’m always looking to learn new things, so I agreed. Then, she suggested that we should prepare together and then travel to San Diego and test for our Black Belts together. 

I’ve been through enough Black Belt Tests — both as participant and as officiant — to know how much fun Black Belt Tests are. So of course I said “Yes!”

What I didn’t realize was that when I got off the plane I would be back home with my family. Not my normal home with my normal family, but at my San Diego home with my larger family. I had never been there before but somehow walking into that dojo for the first time was a familiar experience. I don’t know if I have ever been made to feel so welcome anywhere. I’m positive I have never received more hugs than I did that weekend!

The test itself was just as much fun as I assumed it would be. It was over the course of two days. We started with a three mile run and ended with breaking concrete blocks — just like a typical party. My black eye is healed but I still have sore muscles 🙂

When it was all done I left that home, got on a plane, and came to this home again. And that was nice too.

Thank you to Master Barry Barker, your whole family, and everyone at Poway Kenpo Karate for knowledge, wisdom, and making me welcome in your family.

And thank you Jessica Davis for sticking with it start to finish. I am very proud of you!

With respect,
Chris Santillo

Finding a dojo in Cuba is harder than it probably should be.
Google Maps coverage is weak and Yelp is nonexistent.

Cellular internet does not exist in Cuba and you can’t get internet to your home or hotel either (at least not legally). Want to surf the interwebs? Head to any public park with a prepaid card. It’ll cost you about a buck per hour.

So as we explored this friendly and beautiful island, we searched for a dojo the old fashioned way — by asking complete strangers. Not surprisingly, this didn’t work very well. Many people knew of an acquaintance or distant relative who practiced martial arts, but they weren’t sure exactly where. Given the weak electronic communication network, we didn’t track too many down. We found one early on in Vinales but they were closed by the time we got there.

Vinales was stunningly beautiful. The dojo, when we found it, was a ten minute walk from endless fields and trails through mogotes — small hills with steep sides and covered in stunning tropical vegetation.

However, two minutes after arriving in Cienfuegos, our luck changed. We asked our host about a dojo and he said there was one only a couple of blocks away. He also offered to stop by in the morning to check their hours! The next day at noon we were chatting with the friendliest group of martial artists you could ever hope to meet.

The facility is run by the government — this is Cuba after all — and directed by Bernaldo Perez, a high ranking Shotokan instructor. It was an honor to chat with him and discuss our arts. My Spanish is pretty weak and even with my wife’s help we had some trouble communicating. Eventually we realized we both knew Japanese terminology and we did much better.

When we met he had a book, “Manos Vacías,” awaiting publication. It is now available, though not here in the States.

After sharing ideas for a while he invited our kids to take a class and for me to teach one. The kids had a wonderful time — language barrier notwithstanding. I also had a wonderful time teaching, again — language barrier notwithstanding. At their request I taught half Kali and half Kempo. The Pekiti Tirsia Kali that I taught differed slightly from the style of Filipino Martial Arts that they practice. The Kempo was a vast departure from the Shotokan to which they are dedicated, but I think they forgive me for that.

It was an honor and a privilege to meet such kind and talented people. It is always inspiring to see that the Martial Arts can bring people together regardless of country, culture, or language.

Put your oxygen mask on first.

Why do they always say that? That’s just silly. I’m a helpful person, I’m a loving parent. The last thing I’m going to do is put MY needs before those of my child or friend. If those oxygen masks drop in front of me — and I’m pretty sure they will on this flight — I’m going to help everyone in my row to get their masks on. Then, AND ONLY THEN, will I be so selfish as to put my mask on . . . . unless I pass out first.

Why do they always say that? Because helpful people and loving parents are useless to help other people if they are unconscious. And yet day after day so many of us put other people’s needs before our own so that we are no longer able to serve them well.

The people in your life — your family, your friends, and everyone else — deserve the very best of you. However, putting everyone’s needs before your own is a short-term plan at best. Eventually you wear out and become too tired or overwrought to continue. Sometimes you even come to resent the very people that you work so hard to serve.

So. . . you shouldn’t help anyone else, you should look out for yourself and no one else, right? Of course not. Even the airline know the answer to that: “Put your oxygen mask on first, BEFORE HELPING OTHERS.”

Prioritizing yourself is not selfish, it’s just like the oxygen mask thing. It is what you need to do to make sure that you can take care of those who depend on you.

Take care of yourself. Create space in your life for the things that make you whole. Do something that keeps your body strong and healthy (like Kempo). Do something that engages your mind and dissipates stress (like Kempo). Do something that enriches your soul and helps you to find the stillness, peace, and calm that can — and should — exist in your life (like Kempo).

Do this, then take care of the people in your life.

Respectfully,
Chris Santillo