Chris Santillo

Kempo Essay: Joe

Joe is a seventeen-year-old who has been training for more than two-thirds of his life. As he eludes to, he doesn’t remember a time when he was not a Potomac Kempo student. Recently, we had the honor to promote him to Second-Degree Black Belt, an honor that only a handful of others have achieved before graduating high school. We are very proud of Joe and are excited to see all of the great things he will accomplish in life with this solid Kempo-based foundation.

Kempo has had an immense effect on my life, and I can confidently say that I would be a very different person without the experiences I have had at the dojo. Physically, of course, the practicing of Kempo is the source of much of my exercise, keeping me healthy and fit. This, however, in my opinion, is overshadowed by what Kempo has taught me about life. There are so many real-life lessons that I have learned from my training that I cannot possibly recount them all, so I will share with you a few of the ones that I think are most important. First, there is always a way to improve anything you are working on. Whether it is Kempo two or differential equations, there is always going to be someone who is better at it than you, and if you listen to them, you will improve. This teaches us humility and the value of having a teacher.

Another thing I have learned from Kempo is that to become good at something you need more than the effort put in; you need commitment, enthusiasm, and friends to help you along your journey. The amount of these things I have had has varied along my Kempo journey, and this has shown in my progress. Kempo taught me the importance of these factors, and now I strive to find them in all projects that I pursue. Finally, Kempo has gone even beyond teaching me simple lessons, it has altered my outlook on life. I cannot truly say what I would be without Kempo because I barely remember a time before I started training, but I know that Kempo has taught me patience over the years. And that putting in lots of effort for a distant reward is worth it eventually. It takes practice to remember a Kempo, even more, to be able to do it well. The same is true for life and Kempo helped to demonstrate this for me beyond what other experiences ever could.

Thank you for teaching me,
Joe

Challenge, Mentorship, and Growth

It has been correctly said that real growth occurs outside of our comfort zone. We all have a squishy area that we enjoy — a soft sofa or a comfortable routine — that we fall back on when life presents us with challenges. However, sofas and routines don’t allow us to grow and become more than we used to be. Moreover, in the absence of that growth life becomes dull, colorless, and we never live the potential that we possess.

The question then is how best to leave our comfort zone. Sometimes we do this alone; we get up in the morning, get dressed, put on our shoes, I walk out into the world in a way that we haven’t before — and accomplish things that we haven’t previously achieved. Sometimes, however, the step is — or at least feels — too big. For whatever we reason are unable to take that step ourselves without support. In those moments what we need more than anything else is a mentor.

We don’t know what we can do until we try to do something we can’t do. But that’s an uncomfortable feeling and one that we instinctively avoid. It’s also something that a good mentor — a good instructor — can help us through.

The mentoring model is simple: a mentor is someone who has already done what you are attempting to do, someone who has traversed the path already. They then must know you and be familiar with your capabilities, and then after careful and deliberate consideration, they conclude that you can succeed. So they look you in the eye, and they say, “you can do this.” You believe them, and so you do.

I might be speaking in generalities, as I so often do. However, in this instance, I’m talking about my friend, and mentor Master Chip Townsend. Last year he told me that I could break a baseball bat, I believed him, and I did. This year he told me I could break two baseball bats, I believed him, and I did. I’m terrified of what he’ll tell me I can do next year 🙂

All my respect and gratitude,
Chris Santillo, Shihan

Potomac Kempo Baseball Bat Breaking Challenge Mentorship Growth

Book Release: Resilience Parenting

It is well understood that martial arts training helps to develop kids who are resilient — strong, adaptable, and able to recover. What is the secret? Our instructor training focuses on how to be the best possible teacher for every student and how to drive lessons through the three Pillars of Learning, Service, and Integrity.

Being the best possible teacher for every student is involved and challenging, but it is a learnable skill. It involves having the right mindset, taking advantage of all possible educational opportunities (both planned and unplanned), communicating effectively, and about a thousand other things.

Learning, Service, and Integrity are high ideals. Teaching them effectively requires a familiarity with the principles as well as an understanding of how they can be integrated into a child’s everyday, moment-to-moment life.

For years we have taught this methodology to generations of instructors and now we offer it to parents everywhere. Our book, Resilience Parenting: Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and Dependence puts into the hands of parents the tools necessary to raise strong, adaptable, resilient children.

Resilience Parenting Raising Resilient Children in an Era of Detachment and Dependence Connectedness Independence Learning Service Integrity — Now available on Amazon.

Competitions That Matter

Everyone knows when it is tournament time for our studios. The practice rings are set up in every studio, inviting everyone to be brave enough to step in the ring. Students start standing up in front of the class to demonstrate their skills while *gulp* everyone else is watching, waiting to applaud. A sense of team spirit surfaces as the demo team polishes its routine and each school rallies to be the one that brings home the tournament cup. A lot of preparation goes into this competition that, frankly, doesn’t matter.

It seems odd that while discussing a tournament that one might be inclined to indicate that competitions don’t matter — but hear us out!

Potomac Kempo Tournament Victory Medals Winning Smiles

Upon reflection, we must accept that the outcome of most of the competitions that we have entered into in our lives — be they 2nd-grade little league games, middle school science fairs, or high school track meets — has had no impact on our lives. How would your life be different if you had won/lost that little league game, science fair, or track meet? In all likelihood, it would not be any different at all.

We can hear some of you arguing already — “winning that game was a pivotal moment in my life,” or “my dream to work as an engineer started with that science fair….”

Let’s get down to the brass tacks. The life-directing experiences that come about from competitions lie not in the moment of victory or defeat, but in how you handled the months of preparation that led to that moment. Without those training grounds, we would be less than we are. You are stronger, faster, more able to take on life’s challenges by preparing to enter into the ring, not by winning or losing the game that happens there. The punchline is that the competitions themselves don’t matter.

Did you train with consistency? Did you reflect on how to improve your approach? Did you build strength and adaptability? Did you recover from your failures? Did you follow through until the key moment?

You see, it is through the process of preparing for competitions that don’t matter that we become ready to face the challenges that do matter. When Renshi Holly was in high school, she was on the swim team. Her record — whether it was good or bad — is lost in the mists of antiquity. However, a few years ago, before all of our sons knew how to swim, one of them fell in the deep end of the pool. With footwork born of countless sparring matches and a dive trained on that long forgotten swim team, she raced to save his life. That was a competion that mattered.

This character-building is why we gather twice a year to participate in a tournament and why you should start training now for the next one. The tournament won’t matter, but how you prepare for it will.

With respect,
Shihan Santillo

Sticks and Stones

So the question is: “What should you do if someone punches you?”

Almost reflexively many people will answer, “Hit them back.”

It seems so reasonable and it certainly happens often enough. But to really answer the question you have to know what your goal is. “What are you trying to accomplish?” In the context of civilian self defense I believe the answer is as simple as — or should be as simple as — “get away safely.”

In that context is “hitting them back” really the best answer? Or at the very least should it be our first response? Please don’t misunderstand me, there are definitely situations where hitting them back is the appropriate response but I am loathe to put it forth as the primary or only response to a single punch.

When I posed this question to my class my favorite answer — though certainly not the first — was to ask the person why they had hit you. It may or may not be a safe response in a specific situation but it certainly is compelling — and it would definitely get someone off guard. Perhaps combined with one of the other responses — to back away cautiously — it might make a reasonable plan in some situations.

At any rate, the reason I bring up the question at all it to get to a less violent and more common situation — “What should you do if someone insults you?” Should you insult them back? It certainly happens often enough. But has it ever helped? My favorite response when I posed this to my class was to offer them a hug. I’m not sure that is a safe response, but the person would probably benefit from it.

Again, to formulate a response to an insult we have to ask, “What is our goal?” And again, I would suggest it is to get away ‘safely’. ‘Safely’ might mean something different in this context. I was raised back when sticks and stones could break your bones but words could never hurt you. And I believe that there is still wisdom in that. So upon receiving an insult I encourage you to consider some of the following responses: smile, say the nicest true thing that you can about them, ask them why they insulted you, or just begin to dance.

I can’t guarantee that any of these responses will make the situation better, but it’s better than responding with an insult. And it will certainly be more entertaining.

Chris Santillo, Sensei

Three Truths

Here are three simple ideas that, when taken together, can change your life. They are so deceptively simple that I almost feel silly writing them down. But every day I encounter people who aren’t applying them to their lives — and almost as often I realize that I seem to have forgotten them myself.

Truth One
The most important thing is how we feel.
Again, this is simple stuff, but it seems that as we go through our day we get distracted by complicated stuff and miss the simple stuff.
Think about it like this. Many people want a nicer car or house. But if you dig just a tiny bit deeper you realize they want a nicer car or house because of how it will make them feel. Most people would like a promotion, raise, or better career. But it is really how that will make them feel that they covet. Pretty much everyone wants better relationships with their friends and family. Again, if you look deeper it is the feeling that they are really looking for.
On a good day — one where you feel really good — everything is good. On a day like that food tastes better, our car drives better, our job is more pleasant, etc. The opposite is also true. On a day where we feel bad, everything is bad.
So, at the risk of being crazy redundant and obvious — the most important thing is how we feel.

Truth Two
How you feel is strongly affected by what you are thinking about.
When we think about things that make us happy we are happier; when we think about things that make us sad we are sadder. If you take a moment to close your eyes and imagine a great day in your life — maybe a vacation, or a wedding, the birth of a child — and really think about it for a while. You will feel better. I guarantee it. Likewise if you take a moment to think about something that makes you sad, you will be sadder.
What this means, of course, is that if you want to change how you feel you just have to change what you are a thinking about. Crazy obvious, isn’t it? But I bet the last time you were in a bad mood you just stayed in that bad mood until the outside world changed for you. Now, read Truth Three and realize that you are in control.

Truth Three
We can direct our thoughts but seldom do.
When you are driving down the road you see a yellow house; that makes you think about your friend when you were a kid who had a yellow house. You remember he was going to study agriculture in college. Agriculture is about farming. Cows live on farms. Cows give milk. You think you might be out of milk, you should get some from the store.
You are now headed to a grocery store because you saw a yellow house. It’s insane! It’s also how our brains work most of the time. We very seldom consciously choose how to direct our mind. However, we can if we choose to.
Think about a purple elephant on a tightrope. See, you just directed your mind to think about something consciously. Something silly, I admit. But it proves the point. You can direct your thoughts when you choose to.